You say potato I say it means comunism works

So my computer has a six inch long ( ;D ) condom sticker that says "just wear it." In black letters over the white silhouette of a condom in a black box that again is six inches long. I feel (when someone enters the gallery) to cover my sticker or make it less obvious. dear reader I suffer from the disease called "connotative meaning " . I know what you're saying how could I suffer from a concept well the fact is the symptoms are clear and made-up. We all experience this disease with our own symptoms and ailments and its sometimes irreversible.

I'm right now sitting in the downtown North Adams gallery toy shrine called Maya lll. This shrine of toys is assembled with nothing but glue wire and childhood hand-me-down plastic pieces of life's most valued memories. They're diligently woven together to create a true meaning we may find evident within ourselves. Dear reader again you may be asking why I'm telling you about this and whatever happened to the "connotative meaning disease" ...

Well one of the gallery attendants was smart enough to right down various ideas of what visitors and passer by thought of the artwork . Several ideas from "creating you identity" to "sins of the father" were written down. The one that struck me the most was " A junk drawer used in a creative way". I'm not saying this persons felt negatively about the instillation. I feel that culture has given us a whole new meaning on the statements given us or that we create ourselves.
Due to environment, life experience and just the way we were raised. People are given the tools to there own meaning. So I believe dear reader that art may have a purpose of the artist but the interpretation and the meaning can be given by who soever wants. A perfect example is the infamous Mona Lisa you say potato I say she smiling, you say tomato I say its a self portrait. True beauty and meaning varies so much much that there isn't any absolute truth anymore.

So my condom sticker is hidden because not all meaning is of my own. my meaning is who ever decides to screw around should ride the latex glove to the oven of creation or the exit of dumpness( whatever you're into) to avoid AIDs or BABYs. But to someone else it the invitation to promiscuity and depravity and to some suttbex. To others it's know all tell all simple and relaxed word.

So some of you are wondering "what the cure?"... well there isn't. The only thing to do is to analyze more and more and think about why you give things the meaning they have. Well I hope they're all good meanings. I mean people burned books because of what they felt was the true meaning behind something. Well reader till we meet again.

junxtaposition

i can pretend to turn this cheek or that one
or even raise my nose up
with a sense of self worth and loathing
i fall harder to the ground
each tear impacting my chest
causing a sort of imploding pain
to my exploding angst and aggravation
as i learn the hardest of lesson of love and life
each like
in the case of alanis a pill of jagged proportions
but more so the p!nk version of a pill that doesn't make it better at all just worse
sitting in my room with this juxtaposition of image and feeling
false and real serious and laid back
causing a swirl in the pool on my memory of this salty saline solution
that makes my problems unresolved
im the living emotion river
lacking the hottopic price tag
and immature tagging
broken form of a previous handlers mistreatment
i don't know if this symphonies key change goes to cute major or minor ending
all i know is that this barrage of spears of action films past
are blowing through my chest
and its making it pretty damn hard to play my part
my fingers tremble now as i write speak type and tickle these
unrelenting feelings
the worst of all phobias knocking a my door burlap sack in one hand and spade in the other
just ready to smother me in my most helpless of situations
the door to door salesman that has
""Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" tattooed against his sack
the one i lick and stimulate
the one im of a course a little bitch for
my fate caused by my own hand or finger
not dialing the right corresponding tiles of numbers and letters
and lets face it its hard if you have seen a phone for the first time and don't know why so many symbols are on one key
not blaming someone because its not proper and not what going on or whatever
wondering maybe straight ahead is the way to be
and not a fag all the time
a fantastically amorous guy
for those of you who don't know me and may get
scared
offended
prejudice
phobic
neurotic
jealous
incomplete
questioning
curious
certain
stubborn
and not just the breeder but the cock feeders too

so what is to become of me
as i venture down to the salty depths of my eyes
to the black paint
tainted pill and alcohol concoction
the release and relaxed poop shoot of emotion
well i think ill be fine
i will run scream cry cream
my pants the tortilla
till its nice and sweet
and i heard possibly doing what many fear and never do

things I learned from transformers 2

- everything has a tail
- robots like to rape satellites
- every explosion has to be slo mo
- dogs are gay
- there is never enough comic relief in the midst of peril
- robots will literally disappear and never return (wheelie)
- all old autobots are irish
- plot points and whereabouts of robots will go unsolved
- there's no room for wobots in a manbots world I guess
- when I comes to women men cant lift a finger to physically remove them off themselves
- moms will act like total freaks, tackle people and eat pot brownies when dropping there child off at college
- cube shard make you loose your contacts and write symbols because you are visually impaired
- trucks can fly

the list

not on the list
not vip pissed
im just dismissed
permissed
to see
not to interact
its a fact
youre hold me back
i will not attack on first sight
i will not fight you tonite
on this
a prelude to a fist

did you see what i did there
its seems im the only one who would care
of my affairs
dont denote me for my long absence
if you had any brave bone in your body
you would have gone too

im like alien
in charted territory
burned bled and skin just shed
my naked bones open and cold
you look at me in the same old way
hand me a blanket
but you never stay

did i do you wrong
should i make this prolong
obviously you didnt want to
after all you said you wanted to

cus i liek to rap at 12:47 am

my b-day was full of funz your b-day gave people the runz, my b-day was really great your b-day filled people with hate, my b-day was a colorful bash your b-day gave people the rash

guys...............(unfinished)

dear, reader

Are all guys are rude dicks?! except for the select few Ive actually come to know? well dear reader (i.e. my friends who at one point kept up with their bloggs) its not true all guys and even women look for the same thing their goddess or knight in shiny armor. but not all of us are going to get that heroic handsome man k. I realized we want fuggin zack efron and weed out the trolls (i.e. charlotte's husband in sex in the city the really short jewsih guy who is kinda cute cus he's sweet and adorable just like charlotte) and even i can admit im rude to the trolls like myself and the others who have been rude to me. Well thats all i squeeze out of my brain right now this may get updated.

on a side note my dearz i realized im a hag fag i collect my hags and love them but i take the role of being the single cat guy who gets play once a month

la lessons to be learned

If I can take anything from this year I feel more responsible sensible and a bit more grounded and conscience of my actions and who I am. its hard to look back on my home town and not feel different in mind set with the rest. I don't believe I have a home anymore I feel like the breaks from school are now more like visits to a hometown that once used to be my home. I don't know when I'll find my home but when I do.... I hope everyone has found out they're constantly moving foreword and I hope that its in the right way. I feel though after this year I'm moving in the right way and I know I will faultier but I will never lose the sense of me. I'm a musical theater student I know I have much more to learn and I wish that at the end of these four years I can. I can owe everything I've learned to the people I've met the wonder people my friends I've made here in LA..well gnite

My epiphany

dear blogg reader

I've come up with the realization that I don't want to be loved or that I may never be loved. You must be thinking oh this is some kind of relationship thing well it isn't. Lately I've been feeling like some sort of greek tragic hero, naive kid and sometimes empathic to the universe around me. I've never felt the urge to care when burden has been stacked upon me and have always felt like I have been misunderstood. Lately I've been catching myself doing some of the bitchiest shit in my life so far. Now I've come to terms with the fact that the only reason I'm misunderstood and not a strong dependent person is solely because I've been trying to present myself as a person I'm not.

I've been so careful trying to get on everyone's good side making friends stay even though I've been finding things to ruin my friendships with. Just recently I outed a friend in class now this person has to do a paper instead of a presentation that would be marked down. I said my sorries and never denied the fact that I outed them. I've decided that whether this or many other friendships at AMDA decide to not to blossom for some reason I really wont care. I've spent a lot of time home or doing stuff alone that I believe solitude would just come easy and not really bother me and like many other times in my life manage somehow.

I've spent many a months at AMDA feeling like an outcast for no reason do I blame the people I call my "Friends". No I simply acknowledge the fact that they were too afraid to actually get hurt or be surprised by someone. I wasn't so the decision I made was to sit with someone who was deemed as a "creeper" and so I was silently banned from being a friend or acquaintance. I guess the common curtsy of taking the time to understand someone has been lost through the years.

I also started to figure out the reason I can't make some sort of snippy come back when I speak or when I'm in an argument. That is because I present who I am to the table whether I'm stuttering or choking up or just muddled and befuddled. I don't see the other person to be whitter or more cunning when in such an argument just more self conscience and fault abundant themselves. I believe they poke and prod at such things because they are a wounded soul themselves and are probably worse of than you but in the end you're no better than they are.

Even in a situation with a lover I find being yourself not enough its very tiring and overwhelming. I was told the other day while in the heat of passion to not apologize and to be more confident in who I am. I personally know what I wanted and I felt that treating the other person like a piece of meat to be rather disrespectful. I went with what I felt which is how any creature on this planet goes about sex.

Confidence is weird. People want you to have it but when you know you don't and present yourself as you are it seems like you have confidence and bravery. So why do people always try to be something else when they are not confident and brave. Isn't bravery itself just all your traits being pushed foreword. People say you must gain bravery well I believe we all have bravery its just our careless selves put into a foreword motion with a lucky outcome at the end. Lucky being the fairytale ending that not many acquire.

The use of the phrase fairytale in such a manner doesn't mean I don't believe it to exist. I do believe the natural to exist as well as the unnatural. Yet again what is unnatural? I say science is supernatural. The combination of many different MAN MADE and natural elements can be proven wrong just like the existence of Sasquatch.

Am I pessimistic you probably wonder NO am I crazy psycho who will start his own religion NO. That so Y2K. What I am is what truthfully presenting my self, who you think I am is what you or anyone else perceives me to be. I believe that the people who are so-called understood are the biggest freaks and mysteries around us. I don't think I'm the only one who is like this I just believe people are too afraid to actually be themselves and express. Some of the most frigid and kept people I believe to be the best poets. Emily Dickinson wasn't one of the best poets ever until she died. She was someone kept and secretive rumored to be a homosexual again an example of blind misunderstanding. She lived and observed and but dug down deep with each glance. If we can't truly dig down and get to know someone before they're gone we may never know them. Well this is what I am will I judge you yes will you judge me yes but that's how our society truly. I'm ready to be "brave" and "weird" and misunderstood. I hope reader you are too.

GAY!!

I'm not gay or a fag and I don't expect for you to think you're a dyke
ok so gay means you're happy
fag is bundle of sticks
a dyke is something a little dutch boy stuck his finger in one time so it wouldn't explode and flood his town
come guys lets choose our battles wisely
the next time a person calls me a fag I'm going to say "that's right bitch guys do like to smoke me I'm smoother than the Marlboro taste"
don't let anyone ever change your demeanor mood or personality by one fucking word connotation
I'm no fruit either
fruits now a days are covered in caramel and candy flavored lard
not me
bears are hunted
otters are aquatic mammals
and the puffs i know are in the cheesy category

PRADA FUGGIN SILK PANTIES!!!!!

you know what really burns me the fuck up....! the fact that i cant give blood cus i like boys and yes I've had sex with. yes there's nothing wrong with me but whats worse what truly soul killing and hurting and makes me want to ask why!!!!!!!!!!! is that someone told me to...

"just lie about your sexual preference they test it anyway"............

Nothing on this god given earth should EVER EVER make you want to lie about who you are I'd rather know I have a virus with dignity then to lie and then find out hey I'm a liar and I have aids. I'm not gonna lie about who I am so I can do something YES I know its the right thing to do to donate blood trust me I want to I have wanted to since forever...... but I don't want to deny who the fuck I am I shouldn't have to tell you who I am and then have you judge me whether or not I can help someone else out. what on this green planet should ever make someone feel like they shouldn't give blood? NOTHING the day I deny that I'm gay, christian, Hispanic or anything else is day I become NOTHING and non existent.... still we fight for equal marriage its not just marriage guys its EQUAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly what is this Nazi Germany? I'm afraid of what will happen in the future..........

booze, belligerence and valentines day

dear reader I cannot hold my liquor. last night was a night of drunken debauchery. The day was yes valentines day (which proved to be absolutely boring) I did nothing all day with my good friend kayla page (luv dat betch). any-who at 11 the magic happened. earlier in the week our lovely friend invited us to a valentines day kick back. not much a kick back than a room full crazy ass drunk party people giving each other lap dances (so overall A+). We left as soon as a party member started to lick booze of his shirtless torso. Afterwords I stumbled back with my good friend KP (who didn't stumble at all). After returning to the humble apartment I was notified a lovely beer gathering was in progress ( beer I couldn't possibly...well if you insist *gulp gulp*). there I met a Guy (this Guy will have a bigger part in my story) so said Guy and I agreed not to make out because we're both looking for true relationships and such..... yeah sure I'm not cute betch that's why..... anywho after a couple of keg kneels?(4.30 seconds) and making out with some girls half the party except for me the Guy and friendzy emma clark decided to head out to jack 'n' the box and get food. Well they got stalked and stuff happened and my friend almost got into a fight yeah yeah...... I had to sober quickly cus the Guy wanted to drive home. so with the fear of him not being able to even make it out the amda gate in his car emma and I decided to at any cost stop him actin' up a bitch and scream. emma and I decided to start persuading him with candy, heart stickers, kisses and smoke? well emma got like twelve minutes of intense making out lucky betch. but he started to threaten us with violence. :( after getting the Guy outside to smoke the group came back from he burger run telling us their story of grand entrapment and what not (I used a big word ! ^.^). another several hours after of just getting the GUY to crash on campus and almost getting violent with my Fuucy he sobered up some how and drove home later apologizing to the host of such a gathering for being and ass both drunk and sober. well that was 5 in the morning and now it is 218 I'm getting ready to go on my date with the cutest first semester this side of the St Andrea's Fault well I hope all had a good day and night and wish me luck luv for all

im a little bitch

OK so I guess I'm spineless aren't I..... it was brought to my attention the other day during rehearsal that my inability to make lighter start summed me up?......(well it was windy) but really am I really that helpless sometimes well I don't want to be anymore I wont just sit back I want to be more proactive I guess its time to stop just blaming my childhood and past experiences and just fix it right? well hopefully I can......gwah

welll whaddya know

OK so I finally after a long absence I've come back to you mister blogg to hold ya tell you a little private story. So far what has happened in the life and times of ...me... well

I MET CHARLES STROUSE!!!!
( the unbelievably cute and old composer of annie and bye bye birdie)

slam poetry is awesome I've found a easy medium to express myself

I finally grew balls and asked someone out even though it really almost killed :)
(which by the way im sorry I just am not used to asking guys out its just not me but I'm learning)

I think my singing has improved just bit cus I think I sounded better in my voice lesson
(I taking bigger risks and what not I guess)

uhm I lost my debit card but got a ew one just need the pin number >:(

the warm-ups are going great :)

hmmmmm
I wrote a poem slam poetry performance worthy

I'm doing sweet transvestite for a free choice is class

I've realized how much work is actually needed for this damn school and I for some reason I am enjoying it?

uhm my dates Sunday at 400 wish me lucks and to be calm and just myself

uhm ........I was glad to know them.....the end

i want my life back

OK sooo I have so much shit to do for school. because as soon as I'm done with class I wanna eat and sleep. And when I do my work like a normal college student the Internet doesn't work or the printers are out of toner. And if I connect to the printer on a school computer twenty fucking manuscripts of Stepmom start printing because the retard before didn't bother to check if they were connected to a printer before clicking the print button two thousand times. And you cant log on the Internet (heaven forbid) because all the computers have viruses because everybody is fucking looking up porn because they don't have enough time to masturbate in their own apartments since they're memorize twelve pages of Shakespeare they have to know in verbatim by the same day...........gwah AMDA just needs to slow down.....

boxes of chocolate and angels

dear reader so didn't make dance workshop....and well my make up demos are Tuesday as well but thanks to the lack of communication my accompanist didn't know that Tuesday was the demo day and therefore will not know if he'll be able to play. but that's ok cus he's cool..... and well I don't even know how I'll do since I haven't seen my voice teacher since last semester not having a lesson with her yet ( time for a change hmm?) I basically forgot all she taught me but remember what my accompanist told me to do with it. going back to the workshop I decided to enlist (what is this the fuggin army) in AMDAs poetry workshop just cus I've written poetry before and have been told it's very good...but I hope its good enough for AMDA standards jeesh. yeah I'm very bored in tired gnight

im sorry you're the bitch no one likes

OK yeah sooo we're actors right? we're given things no matter what they are and try to execute them in a orderly fashion right? We can make character choices right? Kauffy is the teacher right? we acknowledge you kindly right? We try our damndest to do everything we're asked to do right? Do you understand not all of us know music? Do you not know that your fellow faculty hates you?

if you say no to all of these then you're a dumbass and my advice to you is to shut you're fuggin cock trap sit down and play the damn piano

shove it

dear reader
I posted a blog here the other day saying someone was absolutely a horrible person and well I posted a similar comment to this person on facebook in public and right now I'm trying fix this. The worst part is my own insecurities ruined something that could have been well good possibly beautiful. Right now I ruin so much and I'm learning from it but its so hard I feel like that Yael Naim song. I'm too immature and I just need to fix my insecurities I don't ever want to ruin something that could work for me ever again I beg and hope that you don't be like me and find the your strengths and beauty before its too late to fix something

just a quick update

Soo h'ok the little demon in my head is right. Guys do lose interest me (yay) :( well I txt the guy from tigerheat today telling him I dint follow through with what I said because I was I didn't want to come of as a freak and I figured he lost interest in me his response......."ok"......................................

honey bees and pot (finished)

So I would like to say were finally BLACK in the WHITE HOUSE!!!!!! and hopefully fucking Obamer does some shit about this paper situation at AMDA. I honestly killed 13 trees within two weeks. yeah basically since we're actors we have to pretend to care for the environment too. What da fudge TITS.....T_T(looks its crying). yeah basically life has been ok so far I been thinking way to much I just need to slow down and just need to be calm and collective about this guy situation.

random hate:

1. I hate when anything isn't official or really unless its on one of the stupid social networks.
   
2. I also hate when my school disproves of something you had no control or knowledge of.
3. I also hate the fact that a performing arts academy is becoming a SCHOOL SCHOOL with this semesters classes.
4. dumb asses who ask about where class is every second
5. roommate who smoke pot

OK sooooo the roommate pot thing. yeah uhm its fine if he smokes pot when I'm not there out the window and uses the frebreeze after BUT when he and friends stick their dirty nasty grubby skater burn out feet/shoes in the tub to smoke out the bathroom window they leave nasty ass dirty feet marks WHAT THE DOUBLE DOGG FUCK AHHHHHHHHHHH. yeah i just feel like i have to pick up after both my roomies sometime but one not so much. STILL I'm not your fucking mommy cupcake go find some other bitch to clean up after your shit marks and grubby undies. honestly I'm Hispanic not a FUGGIN MAID...bitch anywho so uhm

goo too bedd..betch

Why i'm an actor (unfinished?)

I was so angry with her. I walked faster out of the theater as if I was transporting a deadly disgusting convict by leash. I felt that walking at a faster pace as if she was restraint would prove my point. I turned to sneer at her progress. She still staggered along with her own sets of feelings.

My poor mother was frustrated and confused with my reaction. Not anticipating this outing to end with her own son being disappointed in her actions. I've never been as ungrateful with her as I had been that night. I must have been a monster that night. A dirty nasty snooty monster who cared about nothing but its own benefit and entertainment. The night wasn't a total failure lessons were learned and truths discovered.

It began a couple of weeks before this said incident. I was fifteen and just discovering music arts and...well boys I had just been realizing theater had to be a major part of my life, and a family friend had received tickets for each performing arts show Williams College had to offer for the summer.

I had just went to one of my favorite plays "Lucy and the conquest" starring Bernard White the older but still oddly attractive actor from the "Matrix Series". The "stick-to-yo-hispanic-roots-ish" theme of the play really won me over. Also meeting the absolutely amazing cast backstage was another perk of seeing the play with a Williams college employee. I felt like an apprentice paparazzi ready to ask any cliche question
"How do you prepare for such a role?"
"What was the most challenging part of this role?"
"Wanna make out?

Well of course I wouldn’t ask the last question to the cast...well expect for maybe one. There was an attractive guy who appeared in only tight pleather shorts half way through the play.

Then came the race relation orientated one act "Panorama". An amazing two short act play which of course is where my mom’s cell phone has to ring during the second act. So yes I was indeed angry with her and I didn’t forgive her for two whole days. But well I guess you can say why it’s a pivotal moment in my life yeah…….I love theater GO SOX!

1-15-09 i know its late but whatev (finished?)

I feel like a Greek tragedy truly I just finished texting the one who possible could have been a good candidate for boyfriend of a life time.
I met Chris the Thursday before xmas. we met at tiger heat and of course I was a bit inebriated. He was really cute and we seemed to like each we made out and danced all night. Afterwords he gave me a ride home in one of the most shady situations ever. We walked a couple blocks away from the Avalon. We ended in the darkest part of Hollywood...some back alleys. It seemed fine with him. After passing creepy winos and even more shady streets we found his car. Of course my horny-little-drunk-slut mouth had to ask "you want a blow job?". Well after finding the darkest spot we could find we took each other. He was gentle with a soft tender passionate kiss. Murmurs and soft sighs told each other how much we were enjoying the moment. He was an aggressive and oddly painful kisser but it didn't really bother me. He was cute and tender a perfect gentlemen.
I got his number but mistakenly didn't call him believing the usual.
"He probably already lost interest in me!"
"I was just a one time thing?"
"I'm not pretty enough!"
The worst vice ever. The low self image vice. It's ruined many chances and opportunities by grabbing my ego and strangling it till it turns blue and shrinks.

Not even the most angst alternative vampire music can me feel any better.

So its the Thursday after Christmas break and I finally have enough guts to text him since being single is really biting at me. And well he saddened by the fact I never called. I basically made him feel like he didn't even exist it wasn't my intention at all. So unfortunately he's allegedly faced with two months of 16 hour days at work. So I've decided to text him with petite encouraging messages as mush as I can... well at least one a day to make up for the phone call I missed my chance to make and show him I'm not a flake.
I just hope I don't prove myself wrong. That may be a tedious task since according to some bitch at AMDA reception I make excuses when I use the plain truth. I really hope that he can at least warm up to me as a friend. i also hope i can warm up to jazz dance tomorrow. I'm once again 2.1 because I'm afraid I'm not ever good enough. well I'm off to bed I should have done homework instead of man con questing.

i just want my turn (finished)

Ok so after what I think is building up enough courage over the past couple of months to basically do anything in the performing arts school I have realized my efforts have been thwarted........ Not Cool. So i like boyz...ok yeah we can all agree for those of you who know me well know its a fact. And well when it comes to guys I don't get much luck I usually get assholes or the occasional casual sex encounter(later blogs will confirm this fact). but what sucks is that when I finally think Ive met a nice guys who can really be "the one" its all ruined by this big ass slut of a fag. Now my friend and I have encountered this slut on several occasions knowing that all he's ever wanted was a moan and spurt! that dick. Luring me and my friends (separately) with the "I don't know what I want I kiss girls and boys" bullshit....dude lets be honest the bright green short sleeve jacket with tight black audrey hepburn pants DOESN'T scream "I WANT PUSSY!"....cus lets face it you are one cus you don't have enough huevos to ask one out.......BUT when you Finally do its happens to be the one I believe is good pick..for myself I EVEN TOLD YOU I LIKED HIM....mmmm the only thing I can think of is that your still a bit sore from being outed as a horny asshole looking for quick sex (that's another blogg). but for now I'm tired and must get rest and stop thinking about cus I never know whats gonna happen

goodnight shove it