Something Obscure (unfinished) I don't even know

I don't even know what love is
every time I feel like I've lost it I don't feel anything
I feel like I should
I shouldn't not feel
I want to feel
that what I do
I'm an actor
maybe my true self just come out when i perform
not when I live
It's so weird what kind of person am I?
If I can only feel when the reality is fake
is thriving of drama wrong?
do I need stop ruining things for myself
accept everything as a gift even if I don't want it
In reality I want things but if I don't get them i just don't care for the rest.
should I care more for the things given to me?
I hate fate and reality I want to control these things I want to feel and fight for things I want, need?
Am I right? or am I just selfish?