Something Obscure (unfinished) I don't even know

I don't even know what love is
every time I feel like I've lost it I don't feel anything
I feel like I should
I shouldn't not feel
I want to feel
that what I do
I'm an actor
maybe my true self just come out when i perform
not when I live
It's so weird what kind of person am I?
If I can only feel when the reality is fake
is thriving of drama wrong?
do I need stop ruining things for myself
accept everything as a gift even if I don't want it
In reality I want things but if I don't get them i just don't care for the rest.
should I care more for the things given to me?
I hate fate and reality I want to control these things I want to feel and fight for things I want, need?
Am I right? or am I just selfish?

I don't want to give up

Point 1

I should be sent to the island of misfit gays. Ok so my gay does come out and it has come out more since I've been in L.A. but seriously I out of place. The only thing I feel that really connects me to the res to the gay community sometimes is Theater. L.A. and my lisp.......(fuck). And I don't want to be a straight acting guy either I just want to be my damn self. I want my first impressions to be (in a mid-western dialect) "oh he's a dear" or "he's a talented Mr. isn't he?"

Point 2

Its so harsh to simply just give up on something but dear read whom ever you may be (my cat) I mean I've seen it done around me with passions, friends and a bond that someone said they would always feel.

• one person I know made a video about people a while back and she felt really strongly about these people and thought their bond would withstand anything now she bad mouths them to me.. I'm still with most of the group she never should have edited that video.
• Now my friend back home loves music its his passion but after one set back hes decides he's not good enough and just gives up. Everyone tells hims that he's talented (he is don't get me wrong) but we should stop telling him because if he's going to not believe in himself and give up then i don't feel like i should waste my breathe. He need apply to more options or reevaluate his passion
• Now it even suck when two sides of a friend dispute just give up on being friends it really makes me sad. I mean I guess both parties did have fault in making things awkward. what confuses me the most is that I thought we resolved this matter and we all stayed friends even after night of all of us shedding tears I guess we never should have shed any tears but we should have a shed a friendship instead ( take it poetic or not but that's the only way to describe it in my heart)

I'm someone who knows what its like to give up and I'm not saying I'm perfect and I follow through with everything but I for a long time wanted to give up everything but I realized why should I give up when there's so much to fight for like friendship passions or even this earth.
Am I unrealistic?