la lessons to be learned

If I can take anything from this year I feel more responsible sensible and a bit more grounded and conscience of my actions and who I am. its hard to look back on my home town and not feel different in mind set with the rest. I don't believe I have a home anymore I feel like the breaks from school are now more like visits to a hometown that once used to be my home. I don't know when I'll find my home but when I do.... I hope everyone has found out they're constantly moving foreword and I hope that its in the right way. I feel though after this year I'm moving in the right way and I know I will faultier but I will never lose the sense of me. I'm a musical theater student I know I have much more to learn and I wish that at the end of these four years I can. I can owe everything I've learned to the people I've met the wonder people my friends I've made here in LA..well gnite

My epiphany

dear blogg reader

I've come up with the realization that I don't want to be loved or that I may never be loved. You must be thinking oh this is some kind of relationship thing well it isn't. Lately I've been feeling like some sort of greek tragic hero, naive kid and sometimes empathic to the universe around me. I've never felt the urge to care when burden has been stacked upon me and have always felt like I have been misunderstood. Lately I've been catching myself doing some of the bitchiest shit in my life so far. Now I've come to terms with the fact that the only reason I'm misunderstood and not a strong dependent person is solely because I've been trying to present myself as a person I'm not.

I've been so careful trying to get on everyone's good side making friends stay even though I've been finding things to ruin my friendships with. Just recently I outed a friend in class now this person has to do a paper instead of a presentation that would be marked down. I said my sorries and never denied the fact that I outed them. I've decided that whether this or many other friendships at AMDA decide to not to blossom for some reason I really wont care. I've spent a lot of time home or doing stuff alone that I believe solitude would just come easy and not really bother me and like many other times in my life manage somehow.

I've spent many a months at AMDA feeling like an outcast for no reason do I blame the people I call my "Friends". No I simply acknowledge the fact that they were too afraid to actually get hurt or be surprised by someone. I wasn't so the decision I made was to sit with someone who was deemed as a "creeper" and so I was silently banned from being a friend or acquaintance. I guess the common curtsy of taking the time to understand someone has been lost through the years.

I also started to figure out the reason I can't make some sort of snippy come back when I speak or when I'm in an argument. That is because I present who I am to the table whether I'm stuttering or choking up or just muddled and befuddled. I don't see the other person to be whitter or more cunning when in such an argument just more self conscience and fault abundant themselves. I believe they poke and prod at such things because they are a wounded soul themselves and are probably worse of than you but in the end you're no better than they are.

Even in a situation with a lover I find being yourself not enough its very tiring and overwhelming. I was told the other day while in the heat of passion to not apologize and to be more confident in who I am. I personally know what I wanted and I felt that treating the other person like a piece of meat to be rather disrespectful. I went with what I felt which is how any creature on this planet goes about sex.

Confidence is weird. People want you to have it but when you know you don't and present yourself as you are it seems like you have confidence and bravery. So why do people always try to be something else when they are not confident and brave. Isn't bravery itself just all your traits being pushed foreword. People say you must gain bravery well I believe we all have bravery its just our careless selves put into a foreword motion with a lucky outcome at the end. Lucky being the fairytale ending that not many acquire.

The use of the phrase fairytale in such a manner doesn't mean I don't believe it to exist. I do believe the natural to exist as well as the unnatural. Yet again what is unnatural? I say science is supernatural. The combination of many different MAN MADE and natural elements can be proven wrong just like the existence of Sasquatch.

Am I pessimistic you probably wonder NO am I crazy psycho who will start his own religion NO. That so Y2K. What I am is what truthfully presenting my self, who you think I am is what you or anyone else perceives me to be. I believe that the people who are so-called understood are the biggest freaks and mysteries around us. I don't think I'm the only one who is like this I just believe people are too afraid to actually be themselves and express. Some of the most frigid and kept people I believe to be the best poets. Emily Dickinson wasn't one of the best poets ever until she died. She was someone kept and secretive rumored to be a homosexual again an example of blind misunderstanding. She lived and observed and but dug down deep with each glance. If we can't truly dig down and get to know someone before they're gone we may never know them. Well this is what I am will I judge you yes will you judge me yes but that's how our society truly. I'm ready to be "brave" and "weird" and misunderstood. I hope reader you are too.